A WINNER IS CHOSEN - BALANCE HAS BEEN RESTORED TO THE FORCE

Well, this is it friends, time for the big Draw. 35 new subscribers to speak of over the past month or so and were pleased as porcupines to have a growing audience of the highest quality. A modest number, but well take it over a punch in the dick any old day. We know your time is precious so, once again, we thank you all for your time and interest in what we have to offer. 

And now the winner...

This is where the magic happens. I know your all wondering where and how this genius content gets made. But wait whats this?

Hrm...i couldn't resist an old timey draw out of a hat. Haven't washed it in years so the hair grease really helped lube up the tickets.

I scrambled them for a good minute just to be sure.

Oh great equalizer thy name is chance. You can be a fickle bitch sometimes. But not for this one. Not today. drum roll please.....i said DRUM ROLL PLEASE. 

The big winner is DEACONBLUELE!

Etherial Albino Weasel Ghost commends your luck. 

Deaconbluele you win! good for you. Your going to Star Wars: The Force Awakens  at Silvercity Riverport in Richmond next Thursday for the 10:45pm showing. The seats are assigned so you can walk right into the place like a boss! We will be contacting you by email to send you the tickets. Well, thats it i guess....now i feel a bit empty inside. We'll have to create another contest in the new year but in the mean time thanks for playing and we hope this movie doesn't suck. All i'm hoping for is for it to be better than the last 3 but worse than the original trilogy. 

SCREEN DUMPSTER

Wolfenstein: The New Order. I played the first 20 min of this a year ago and put it down. Mistake. The intro does this story no justice at all. Its  really well done and it looks and plays really well. If you happened to miss this one give it another shot. 

This very well could be the cleanest and most comprehensive dumpster you may ever lay your eyes on. As i deleted video after video of what seemed like pertinent gameplay at the time from the infinitesimal PS4 hard drive the other day i stumbled onto some real gems. I idly wondered what a digital dumpster could look like and who you might find rooting through old porn videos, embarrassing selfies or other boring not embarrassing things (which is what most internet trash probably is.) Suppose after you empty the recycling bin, little suspender wearing file clerk gremlins are sharing a laugh at our expense and creating their own personal little folders of our digital garbage with our name on it to blackmail us with later...I stare at the controller in my hands and reminisce.

Dear PS4 controller,

'Your curves fit perfectly in my sweaty hands baby. Your so responsive, sometimes i'll give you a little squeeze, which i guess is like a controller hug, just to let you know how much i care. We have a symbiotic relationship you and i,  which doesn't necessarily mean we're a benefit to one another. But we need each other don't we? Since the summer of 1995 i've watched you've grow, evolve and yet you've managed to keep your figure. But what happened to your 'start' button!? Who took that away from you? And 'select' that's gone too, i'm sure you personally had nothing to do with that. But whats this? Two more buttons added in some very awkward places that sit flush with the frame so i can't...ever feel for them. 'Options?' I didn't even know i had any, sure it leaves more to the imagination than 'Start' and whats this? 'Share' Why thank you i'd love to share more with you. Wait, no. I don't want to share that now....fuck, my figity digits have betrayed me. Your a bit more confusing than you use to be but that's not your fault is it? Now i accidentally have like, 200 screen shots that mostly stank. Now i sit here, rooting through the trash. The very clean garbage searching for the pay dirt.'

Here lies screenshots. 

MGS:V. This game disappointed me greatly. I think i deleted it from the hard drive after the credits rolled. But i ended up with some interesting shots. Meet the child version of 'Psycho Mantis.' I can only assume this is who he was suppose to be. It was never explained or even hinted at who this character was exactly. The only information i got out of the game was that the mantis character and the fire dude were apparitions that latch onto individuals with a great desire for revenge and seemed to like hanging out with Metal Gears as well. 

Another shot from MGS. Atmosphere is so important with adventure type games, its half the reason im still playing them. Im all 'Fuck this game, but look at how good it looks.' Look at how far we've come in only maybe 15 or so years. We use to use fog as a smokescreen for limited graphics processing. Now we put it there just cuz it looks cool. But fuck this game, read more about that here

The dynamic weather in fallout 4 adds so much life to the game. I don't know what else to call this but a Radiation storm or a green out. It just rolled in and scared the dookie outta me. There was lightning and shit everywhere, i went inside the shed for a while. Some bitch was living there so i slept in her bed for 2 hours to ride out the storm; left her an old fan and a fire extinguisher as thanks then left. 10/10

Believe this was a PS3 port? Ever notice how many Churches are in videogames? Whats up? Typically they are safe havens to load up on supplies, usually abandoned and always a beautiful interlude. 

More bloodborne. How could i not. This game is so delicious looking. Can't quite recall if this was before or after the fight with the enormous Spider Rom or Rhom. Fuck that spider...fuck this game ( adult swear tantrum and a drink later) now how about that spider.

This is probably my favorite game moment in my recent memory. Towards the end, after you have rescued Elle and are making your way into Salt Lake City you climb some stairs and end up here. There were hint of this earlier in town at all the bus stop stations; advertising for the Zoo. It was such a beautiful and magical moment and im saying this with no sarcasm at all. Your character walks up to it slowwly and coxed Elle to do the same. It was a real honest moment that squeezed out a few tears that i'm not ashamed to say. 

The moment was so profound for me that when the characters leaned on the ledge and took in the view and so did i. Until the Giraffes left. I dunno what came over me, i just sat there reflecting i guess. Natures amazing and resilient and there are some beautiful things in this world worth protecting.  

Batman: Again. The atmosphere in this one is astonishing. I'm sure ill hear about this later but i didn't really care for the payoff at the end. In fact i didn't really think we needed another Batman game. I still don't but man this game looks rad! Scarecrow is a badass; so imagine my suprise when the little scarecrow trip-outs from the first game weren't in this one!? Anyways; the rain....the constant rain. The night...the everlasting night and the glow of the city were entertainment enough. Good for you Rocksteady. 

Joker stole the show again...and the game is called Arkham Knight! This was my favorite Joker story and he wasn't even alive in this one. Everywhere you turned he would be there hanging out commentating the story, adding in his own two cents on the matters at hand. I was impressed to see how the Devs used this device so effectively to build tension.

So much of bloodborne is so incredibly intense that i find myself, in the quieter moments of respite, taking selfies with the moon.

It must infuriate developers watching kids run through their game not paying any mind to the details of their meticulously constructed worlds. I love to stop and smell the napalm if you will. Looks here like the bombs fell in October just before Halloween. I've found old trickr treat pumpkin buckets lying around the wasteland too. These details is the reason why 12 million people bought the game in its first 24 hours. Yes...12 million.

This was either the worst wedding ever or the best wedding ever. Maybe she was really hungry and dug into the meat or or maybe eaten her husband after the ceremony like a praying mantis. I killed her moments after this was taken, in bloodborne i leaned to always kill everything and double tap when they're down just to make sure. Brides be damned.

Oh Man! Working on a growler there little nerdy teddy bear? What's that the Washington post?! I like to think that i do my best thinking when im taking a dookie. Sometimes ill stay in there reading and completely loose track of time. When my legs go numb its time to get on with my life. Also  there was nothing of note in the toilet bowl,

K, it use to look way more like the gun from Blade Runner but then i modded the urine out of it and it became an unrecognizable abomination. Works great though.

Good old Poppa. Trusty, reliable. He takes care of me. This bad boy is my go to weapon in Fallout 4. We've been through so much together. I'm just so glad that the Fallout 3 weapons breakdown mechanic is gone. I dunno if i could have handled the management of it all or the loss of a beloved companion. 

I had to.

Lastly here is a video i posted the other day, the 'Bloodborne' DLC: The Old Hunters. Its challenging as fuck, even for 'From Software' standards. I attempted this boss maybe 12 times before i called for aid. Even then i think i fought him 6 more times with help before we beat him. Its a New Game+ so your character carries over but the enemies do as well. Of course they do, thanks assholes. You can hear me at the beginning panicking in the form of blatant profanity. Then, strangely, my beckoning bell rang another player in during the Boss Battle. Which i don't even think is possible. I freak out again about 3/4 through; mashing triangle to heal. It was a bitch and i don't even feel like i cheated. He was that hard. 

'BONE TOMAHAWK' IS MY BONE DADDY

Whatever your doing right now probably isn't as important as watching this movie. It is customarily routine for me to keep a watchful eye on interesting films in some of my favorite genres: Horror and Westerns. I think we can all raise a guilty hand to being some form of genre fanboy or girl. Neglecting a shitty flick for a great set or setting- for the flavor of the story alone. But we need those bad movies don't we? They are just as important as the good ones because, of course, they elevate the great films and show us what 'good' is suppose to look like. 

You ever find something online so  perfect that you covet it and share it with your friends with your own 'trust me its awesome' seal of approval? Only to watch those friends turn around- claim it as theirs? Isn't it hard not to claim it as your own treasure? And doesn't it hurt a bit when your friends fail to acknowledge that it was you who found it in the first place? This is one of those treasures for me but im sharing it with yous guys in case you might have missed it.

It is what it looks like. Its a Western Horror movie. Two things I've unknowingly and unconsciously desired for quite some time. Probably ever since i saw Unforgiven as a kid and fell in love with the Western genre. Its well written, all the sentences are complete and courteous. With every syllable perfectly accounted for. Back in the good ole days when using slang was like saying 'CUNT' to your grandmother. 

IMDB is showing that the budget for the movie was $1.8 million. So virtually nothing. With all the great acting littering the story you can almost see Kurt Russell reading the script and calling all his friends to climb on board. Everyone is here because they fell in love with the script. Clearly they are not as interested in the money as they are with telling a unique story. It's original, oddly compelling and suspenseful. 

You will hear us talking about tension and suspense a lot, so your going to have to get use to that. It's an intriguing device in storytelling. It's cheap ( pretty much free) but rarely used effectively. But when it does- WHOAH BABY! Although the tense moment mean nothing without the payoff. Usually the payoffs ,in this case, look like somebody getting there head blown apart, point being the film doesn't chise out on you. Also the jaw bone tomahawks are magical and can cut anything in half. The action is very brutal and gave my wife a rough 'sleep.' The violence here felt like a rich meal -  something you can understand and fill up on with a few bites.

So the deal here is some drifter walks all over some cannibalistic native predator monsters 'sacred ground' and get chased into town. They kidnap sheriffs deputy and some hot chick doctor. Sheriff "old Kirtypants" heads out to recover them. Nice and simple, like a western should be.  The 'savages' are a cartoonish version of a 'Native' Its the furthest thing from human. Im glad they took the enemies to the extreme physically, it would have been awkward if they hadn't gone so monsterish. 

All told this was a well thought out surprise from, not a first time director, but someone getting the hang of things. Thanks Craig Zahler your bones are really sharp. 

'ALRIGHT YOU PRIMITIVE SCREWHEADS LISTEN UP'

  SPOILER ALERT. SPOILER ALERT. AWOOGA .THIS WILL RUIN THE SHOW IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET.

Ash vs Evil Dead could be the most flawless, badass show on tv right now. I'm only done the 3rd episode as of last night and had to jump online to write about it with all the enthusiasm of a rookie cop, or that UPS dude from Mad TV. I'm tripping over myself searching for convincing words for you and have no doubt at all that it's the best show of the year already. Yes it's presumptuous, brazen maybe even slightly audacious, but this show is so fucking good that its amazing that your reading this blurb instead of watching the show right now.

I'm reeling in a bloody pool of mixed nostalgia and disbelief- this show shouldn't exist. It's a miracle that it was ever made at all. Its out of its feature film habitat. 30 years later, a cult horror movie that was a student project of a young enthusiastic- very hands on filmmaker and a b grade lead actor. Well B+. It's like the Mad Max of TV. A project that by rights has no business existing but does, It not only exists, it flourishes.

So what the hell happened?! I mean a great show on tv is like finding a Leprechaun, I feel like I can't even breathe too hard or the show will blow over. It's a fragile and delicate thing that must be protected and studied. This is how fan service is done. Having something turn out so well and exceed all expectations is so very rare. Ash vs evil dead comes across so authentic.

The first thing an Evil Dead fan might notice is how Ash vs Evil Dead seems to totally disregard the last film in the series. At the end of Army of Darkness he's sent back in time to s-mart, fucks up the words again and fights more Demons that somehow caught up with him. In the pilot episode he just has the book already and drunkenly reads passages from it to impress a girl. That whatever attitude from the writers is exactly the spirit of what evil dead is. So ash has the book of the dead now and the fans are fine with that, if your an Evil Dead aficionado and you don't have a sense of humor then you must be dead already. If all the sequel ducks were in a row here then they would have to explain how he got the book back which would bring up the medieval timeline and kind of ruin the story, not to mention the budget.

Which brings me to the writing. "I hear a lot a yappini'n and not a lot a happeni'n'" or "The first thing i gotta do is see a guy about a book. The other first thing i gotta do...is some cardio, cuz my hearts jack hammeri'n like a quarterback on prom night." are probably my favorite phrases since 'Wu peed on my rug.' Its written with love and a blase' attitude that made the show perfect all those many years ago- creative, not very PC and the best one-liners around. My epiphany was realizing, I guess in episode 3, that  the audience has never really had the chance to explore the Necronomicon ex mortus by itself. All we've ever really seen is the same couple of pages over and over again. There's a whole show just in the book. In episode 3 we got a taste of whats possible. Summoning crazy boss daemons. It's like pans labyrinth had dirty demon sex with a hologram and its fucking badass!

"Ya know, you don't look anything like your picture!"

I also never realized what an idiot ash is. I mean yeah he forgot some words way back in the 90's. Now he's single, over weight,  lives in a trailer and is still a stock boy at not S-mart. He reads the pages again and  So he's got absolutely nothing to lose so the show has room to just not waste our time and get movi'n. But he's so oddly likable and sentimental and has a strange courageous charisma that only seems to reveal itself when the demon blood's flying. This character is so iconic that even the Millennials must know who Bruce Campbell is. 

The camera angles and the gore are exactly what I was hoping for. Writers and filmmakers these days are so concerned with being creative that they totally forget that the source material was perfect just the way it was. Just re-create that and shut up, stop thinking and simply re-purpose the old goofy shit! Garden hoses of monster blood is just fine with everyone, trust us Starz. Even the demons look the same, it's the exact right amount of nostalgia with a fresh episodic vigor that should support the show all by itself.

The Icing generously slathered onto the cake is that it's only episode 3 and the momentum seems to be in favor of a very promising and hilariously entertaining story. Let's hope they don't fuck it up.

Oh yeah ans Xena is on it. Remember the last time you saw those two together!? Damn shes hot, i think she was my first crush. I also remember the strange Lesbianish relationship she had with that red headed maid girl she was with all the time. 

The Art of Saving

People kept telling me to play Dragon Age: Inquisition so I did the obvious thing and got the first game in the series, Dragon Age: Origins. It came out in 2009 so it wasn't too hard to get a handle on the interface.  But with the last two games I've played through being Deus Ex: Revolution and Hitman: Absolution (wait a second, what's with every single game title being 'SERIES': ... -ion !? Many sequels trying desperately to bring back fans while standing apart from the series... OLD GAME: NEW GAME. Good games though.), I was lulled into mental dependence on the modern luxury of the autosave.

Nowadays it seems like every 10-15 minutes of play in most games is broken up by checkpoints to fall back on when you screw up and your throat gets shredded by a rusty chainsaw, or when you fail to intimidate some highwaymen and they rob you, or when your cat jumps on the keyboard and your newly erected civic monument is permanently demolished.

In the recent revival of indie roguelike games, the absence of checkpoint fail safes is a reaction against their ubiquity in mainstream game design. They reject the convention of a linear, piecemeal experience in order to give you a die hard, unique, unrepeatable experience each time you play. The idea of saving at all, is abhorred - there is never anything to come back to. Yet when playing Dragon Age I found myself in an awkward place between the two - the autosave and the antisave. Dragon Age seems to save at certain checkpoints, like entering a completely new region for the first time, but nowhere in between. Sometimes I'd spend forty minutes combing every square inch of a dungeon level, only to blunder a little too deep into the aggro radius of a camp around the corner and get TPK'd (if there's a way to retreat from fights I ain't found it yet) -- only to realize none of my giving wine to Alistair and rearranging my dog named Kyle's decorative furpaint and chest-looting was remembered by the game. There's something miserable about retracing your steps in an RPG, it becomes a ghost of your previous play. Anyway I kept "ghosting" dungeons and struggling -- so I had to develop the habit of intentionally saving again.

The little lamp goalies are a nice touch. I did not forsee myself being completely absorbed by Bloodborne. The most pleasent suprise of the year.  

Unless the mechanic of the gameplay itself involves save points. Any 'From Software' game utilizes a similar save mechanic. Get to the lamp or fire without dying and as a reward you will be afforded the privilege of saving your progress and celebrating your tenacity (for like 5 seconds anyway.) 

Bloodborne disguises its save points as lanterns littered throughout the sprawling  multi-level nightmare labyrinths. Nixing any pausing or save menus. Which, psychologically, seems to alleviate any anxiety a player might have about how and where to save. Disguised as an effigy or a shrine, the cold blue glow of the lanterns never felt so warm or inviting. Auto saving in this game would totally ruin the experience, the game itself hinders on the sheer will of the player to complete the area and light the lantern - where your allowed, finally, to travel back to the hunters dream and level up your character, buy items and take some deep breaths. Bloodborne is the antithesis of autosaving. In a strange way this anti save type scenario works out very well for all those forgetful stoned gamers that wiff on saving their progress and direct frustrated heads up towards the spackled ceiling asking 'Why?'.  

'Would you like to save your progress?'  

The modern day AAA titles have totally scrapped the idea of 'lives' for their characters. Replaced with one perma-life if you will. You play, you get shot, stabbed, eviscerated then you get another chance. This can be in the form of a recharging health bar or hiding behind something until you somehow recover from the 18 bullets you've just taken. Yeah its just a game, but those lives use to mean something. An ominous but unsaid contract between the game and the player. If you use up all the lives your dead and you had your chance. GAME OVER BRO. I love the idea of that. Nintendo understands this as well. They could simply replace the lives system with a perma-life system for their platformers but there is no cost to the player. They are left to simply continue playing until they succeed. With no consequence at all.

The genius of the itemized save system is that your constantly searching for the 'ink ribbon,' or 'tent.' In Resident Evil finding a type writer save point is just part of the act of saving. You also need an ink ribbon to use the typewriter which is brilliant. So, instinctively, the player learns to not rely on any kind of computerized auto-save but rely solely on the items in there inventory and there own good sense. Few games have utilized this method of discovering a save point and requiring a specific item to activate it. It creates a deeper immersion for the player during gameplay. Problem is every game is different so we have developed specific habits for specific games and it fucks us up big time. 

What really needs to happen here is some kind of disclaimer before each game clearly stating how and when the game saves by itself or that the player is responsible for said saving points. Nobody wants to redo the same area 30 times over. Old habits don't die as easily as our digital heroes do. Fallout 4 has caused me many hours of pain so far.  Amazingly I have not learned my lesson to 'quick save' fucking everywhere, all the God damn time. Turning any old corner in the wasteland can be extremely punishing. So you die. Then re-spawn a la Dragon Age. Waaaay the hell back where you really didn't want to be. 'Are you fucking serious,' or 'godamnsonofabitch' have been heard to be remarked. Finally, after many hours I've re learned the art of saving all over again. It tends to take me out of the moment and causes mild anxiety. Maybe that's a new kind of game mechanic done on purpose?

The take away here kids is to what?.....save as often as humanly possible, unless the game does not allow it or your in the very middle of a melee battle with a mutated bear. I feel with every game  i'm attempting the classic 'trust test.' I'm standing on a chair with my arms crossed over my chest and my eyes closed, ready to fall back into the open arms of whatever copy of game i happened to be struggling with. Usually i imagine the literal game packaging with gangly arms and legs attached to it ready to catch my sorry ass. I fall, hoping for the best.