SCREEN DUMPSTER

Wolfenstein: The New Order. I played the first 20 min of this a year ago and put it down. Mistake. The intro does this story no justice at all. Its  really well done and it looks and plays really well. If you happened to miss this one give it another shot. 

This very well could be the cleanest and most comprehensive dumpster you may ever lay your eyes on. As i deleted video after video of what seemed like pertinent gameplay at the time from the infinitesimal PS4 hard drive the other day i stumbled onto some real gems. I idly wondered what a digital dumpster could look like and who you might find rooting through old porn videos, embarrassing selfies or other boring not embarrassing things (which is what most internet trash probably is.) Suppose after you empty the recycling bin, little suspender wearing file clerk gremlins are sharing a laugh at our expense and creating their own personal little folders of our digital garbage with our name on it to blackmail us with later...I stare at the controller in my hands and reminisce.

Dear PS4 controller,

'Your curves fit perfectly in my sweaty hands baby. Your so responsive, sometimes i'll give you a little squeeze, which i guess is like a controller hug, just to let you know how much i care. We have a symbiotic relationship you and i,  which doesn't necessarily mean we're a benefit to one another. But we need each other don't we? Since the summer of 1995 i've watched you've grow, evolve and yet you've managed to keep your figure. But what happened to your 'start' button!? Who took that away from you? And 'select' that's gone too, i'm sure you personally had nothing to do with that. But whats this? Two more buttons added in some very awkward places that sit flush with the frame so i can't...ever feel for them. 'Options?' I didn't even know i had any, sure it leaves more to the imagination than 'Start' and whats this? 'Share' Why thank you i'd love to share more with you. Wait, no. I don't want to share that now....fuck, my figity digits have betrayed me. Your a bit more confusing than you use to be but that's not your fault is it? Now i accidentally have like, 200 screen shots that mostly stank. Now i sit here, rooting through the trash. The very clean garbage searching for the pay dirt.'

Here lies screenshots. 

MGS:V. This game disappointed me greatly. I think i deleted it from the hard drive after the credits rolled. But i ended up with some interesting shots. Meet the child version of 'Psycho Mantis.' I can only assume this is who he was suppose to be. It was never explained or even hinted at who this character was exactly. The only information i got out of the game was that the mantis character and the fire dude were apparitions that latch onto individuals with a great desire for revenge and seemed to like hanging out with Metal Gears as well. 

Another shot from MGS. Atmosphere is so important with adventure type games, its half the reason im still playing them. Im all 'Fuck this game, but look at how good it looks.' Look at how far we've come in only maybe 15 or so years. We use to use fog as a smokescreen for limited graphics processing. Now we put it there just cuz it looks cool. But fuck this game, read more about that here

The dynamic weather in fallout 4 adds so much life to the game. I don't know what else to call this but a Radiation storm or a green out. It just rolled in and scared the dookie outta me. There was lightning and shit everywhere, i went inside the shed for a while. Some bitch was living there so i slept in her bed for 2 hours to ride out the storm; left her an old fan and a fire extinguisher as thanks then left. 10/10

Believe this was a PS3 port? Ever notice how many Churches are in videogames? Whats up? Typically they are safe havens to load up on supplies, usually abandoned and always a beautiful interlude. 

More bloodborne. How could i not. This game is so delicious looking. Can't quite recall if this was before or after the fight with the enormous Spider Rom or Rhom. Fuck that spider...fuck this game ( adult swear tantrum and a drink later) now how about that spider.

This is probably my favorite game moment in my recent memory. Towards the end, after you have rescued Elle and are making your way into Salt Lake City you climb some stairs and end up here. There were hint of this earlier in town at all the bus stop stations; advertising for the Zoo. It was such a beautiful and magical moment and im saying this with no sarcasm at all. Your character walks up to it slowwly and coxed Elle to do the same. It was a real honest moment that squeezed out a few tears that i'm not ashamed to say. 

The moment was so profound for me that when the characters leaned on the ledge and took in the view and so did i. Until the Giraffes left. I dunno what came over me, i just sat there reflecting i guess. Natures amazing and resilient and there are some beautiful things in this world worth protecting.  

Batman: Again. The atmosphere in this one is astonishing. I'm sure ill hear about this later but i didn't really care for the payoff at the end. In fact i didn't really think we needed another Batman game. I still don't but man this game looks rad! Scarecrow is a badass; so imagine my suprise when the little scarecrow trip-outs from the first game weren't in this one!? Anyways; the rain....the constant rain. The night...the everlasting night and the glow of the city were entertainment enough. Good for you Rocksteady. 

Joker stole the show again...and the game is called Arkham Knight! This was my favorite Joker story and he wasn't even alive in this one. Everywhere you turned he would be there hanging out commentating the story, adding in his own two cents on the matters at hand. I was impressed to see how the Devs used this device so effectively to build tension.

So much of bloodborne is so incredibly intense that i find myself, in the quieter moments of respite, taking selfies with the moon.

It must infuriate developers watching kids run through their game not paying any mind to the details of their meticulously constructed worlds. I love to stop and smell the napalm if you will. Looks here like the bombs fell in October just before Halloween. I've found old trickr treat pumpkin buckets lying around the wasteland too. These details is the reason why 12 million people bought the game in its first 24 hours. Yes...12 million.

This was either the worst wedding ever or the best wedding ever. Maybe she was really hungry and dug into the meat or or maybe eaten her husband after the ceremony like a praying mantis. I killed her moments after this was taken, in bloodborne i leaned to always kill everything and double tap when they're down just to make sure. Brides be damned.

Oh Man! Working on a growler there little nerdy teddy bear? What's that the Washington post?! I like to think that i do my best thinking when im taking a dookie. Sometimes ill stay in there reading and completely loose track of time. When my legs go numb its time to get on with my life. Also  there was nothing of note in the toilet bowl,

K, it use to look way more like the gun from Blade Runner but then i modded the urine out of it and it became an unrecognizable abomination. Works great though.

Good old Poppa. Trusty, reliable. He takes care of me. This bad boy is my go to weapon in Fallout 4. We've been through so much together. I'm just so glad that the Fallout 3 weapons breakdown mechanic is gone. I dunno if i could have handled the management of it all or the loss of a beloved companion. 

I had to.

Lastly here is a video i posted the other day, the 'Bloodborne' DLC: The Old Hunters. Its challenging as fuck, even for 'From Software' standards. I attempted this boss maybe 12 times before i called for aid. Even then i think i fought him 6 more times with help before we beat him. Its a New Game+ so your character carries over but the enemies do as well. Of course they do, thanks assholes. You can hear me at the beginning panicking in the form of blatant profanity. Then, strangely, my beckoning bell rang another player in during the Boss Battle. Which i don't even think is possible. I freak out again about 3/4 through; mashing triangle to heal. It was a bitch and i don't even feel like i cheated. He was that hard.